Hollywood Gossip, Celebrity News and Tabloid Trash

Hollywood Celebrity Trash Talk - Tabloid Tuesday

2006-09-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

This week – Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt either are about to get married or are splitting up… Jessica Simpson dumps or is dumped by John Mayer… Katie Couric did or didn’t have a plastic surgery makeover… Ashlee Simpson got a haircut (no kidding!).

Tabloid Tuesday absolutely LOVES a week like this when 2 of the tabs square off with totally different takes on the same story. It renews your faith in journalism, doesn’t it?

In this corner is STAR Magazine with BIG pictures and BIG headlines about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt getting married. In the opposite corner, is IN TOUCH with BIG headlines revealing that Brad and Angelina are about to be history.

Let’s look at the challenger – IN TOUCH. They lead off with a right hook – a headline that says LATEST NEWS…BARELY SPEAKING .. ARE FIGHTS ABOUT THE CHILDREN TEARING BRAD AND ANGELINA PART?

Bobbing and weaving, the STAR goes into it’s famous ‘Rope-A-Dope’ routine with the headline ANGIE & BRAD … SAY ‘I DO!” WHY ANGIE FINALLY SAID YES! REVEALED! THE RINGS BRAD BOUGHT … THE WEDDING DRESS, PLACE & VOWS.

So, which one are you going to spend your money on? Can’t buy both – it would be far too confusing.

A little history lesson… IN TOUCH, way back on March 13, told everyone that the Brand and Angelina were going to get married in Italy… but in January, they said the wedding was going to be at Angelina’s home… and this was right a previous issue said they were getting married in a Buddhist temple. Let Tabloid Tuesday refresh your memory:
January 30, 2006 --
WEDDING OF THE YEAR .. THE FLOWERS, THE DRESS, AND HER RING – CREATED BY PRINCESS DI’S JEWELER! FINALLY, A WEDDING! ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT’S BIG DAY IS THE EVENT OF THE YEAR. HERE’S THE SCOOP ON THEIR SPECIAL CELEBRATION.

Guess it didn’t work our, huh?

But let’s be fair… a few issues ago, STAR magazine wrote: ANGELINA MOVES OUT! AND TAKES THE KIDS WITH HER! AFTER BRANGELINA’S FIRST BIG FIGHT, BRAD LEARNS THE HARD WAY THAT ANGELINA IS NO PUSHOVER! HERE’S WHY SHE PACKED UP AND TOOK OFF, LEAVING BRAD FREAKED OUT.

Guess they patched things up, huh?

Well, you get the point – you pay your $$, you take your chance. Tabloid Tuesday can’t take the disappointment of actually READING the stories – that’s up to you – if you even want to.

Moving over to the ENQUIRER, their big story is about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: TOM & KATIE … SLEEPING IN SEPARATE BEDROOMS! THE TRUTH ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP … WHY KATIE CALLED OFF WEDDING TWICE…

Okay, sigh… just for you, dear reader, Tabloid Tuesday will take a look at the story…. Page 20… separate bedrooms… behind the scenes drama… hmmmm. Well, according to the story, “a longtime family friend told the ENQUIRER about the days leading up to the most anticipated wedding of the year.. ‘They’re still crazy about each other, but Katie needs her own space. She flees to her own sanctuary when life gets too stressful. It’s not every night. And Tom doesn’t like it, but right now it’s Katie’s call.”

Sooooo… what do you think? Technically they are sleeping in separate bedrooms … but only when Katie needs a break from “Mr. Jumping On Oprah’s Couch.” Who wouldn’t?

And then the ENQUIRER brings you KATIE COURIC… PLASTIC SURGERY MAKEOVER! You have to know what’s coming…. Yup, page 22… the headline is KATIE COURIC PLASTIC SURGERY SHOCKER… and in classic tabloid style, there are 2 photos of Katie side by side – one representing ‘before’ and one representing ‘after.’ Guess which one looks best? The ENQUIRER talked to a plastic surgery doc who has never treated Katie, and let him take a look at the photos. Sure enough, he listed all of the things she could have had done – a little later in the story, a “source close to Katie credits her fresh-faced look to a ‘natural glow of excitement’ – not plastic surgery.

First everyone was upset because Katie showed too much leg (which was absolutely gorgeous, by the way) at her anchor desk… now her ‘plastic surgery shocker.’ Tabloid Tuesday just doesn’t know anymore – wonder if Walter Cronkite was ever accused of showing too much leg?

Finally, over at US WEEKLY, the really BIG news is that Jessica Simpson got dumped! The headline shouts JESSICA’S FIRST POST-NICK ROMANCE BACKFIRES AS JOHN MAYER ACCUSES HER OF USING HIM FOR PUBLICITY: ‘HE THINKS IT’S DESPERATE.’

Now you have to pay real close attention – Jessica Simpson using someone for publicity? Jessica Simpson who can attract a crowd of paparazzi by just walking down the street? Jessica Simpson who can snap her fingers and cause hordes of eager young men to follow her just about anywhere needs John Mayer for publicity? Everyone who believes that raise your hand….. yeah, that’s about what Tabloid Tuesday thinks too.

THE MEN.COM WORST OF THE WEEK: US Weekly
Sure, all the tabs take a bit of liberty with the story, but come on – give the readers some credit – if Jessica Simpson wanted publicity, can’t you think of at least a dozen ways she could get it – most of them not involving taking off her clothes! And keeping it all in the family, the headline on page one about Ashlee Simpson – she got a hair cut because she had too much hair to fit under the wig she wears onstage as ‘Roxie’ in ‘Chicago.’

THE MEN.COM BEST OF THE WEEK: Enquirer
With the addition of the Muhammad Ali and Nicole Kidman stories – there’s something for everyone – as long as you remember it’s all taking place in the world of tabloids.

BEST QUOTE OF THE WEEK: The folks at US weekly quote Katherine Heigl of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ talking about beauty and brains: “The two are not mutually exclusive; you can have a brain and a body. But if you’re only looking at my body, then you’re looking at the wrong thing.” Sorry, but to be PC, Tabloid Tuesday has to refrain from commenting. (Love the show, by the way!)
(www.men.com)

All Rights Reserved. © 2006 Men.Com

Tabloid Tuesday - Hollywood Gossip and Tabloid Trash Talk...

2006-08-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

This week: The Tom Cruise Baby Suri mystery deepens, Hollywood’s secret gay list, Jennifer Aniston says no babies, Jessica Simpson’s message to Nick, Nichole Richie photos, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson

Enough! No more! What part of ‘we don’t care’ don’t the tabloid editors understand?

Baby Suri! Yup, back again and the cover story on all the tabs this week. If you all recall, every single one of the tabs originally questioned why no one has seen the baby, then moved on to doubting that there even was a real Baby Suri, and now, with nothing else to speculate on, they’re talking about the ‘truth’ about baby Suri or the ‘Secret Suri Photos.’ But this week, things have hit both an all time high and an all time low.

Tabloid Tuesday takes a look at the ‘high’ first. The tabs have begun rounding up folks who have seen Suri. US WEEKLY talked with several Hollywood actresses, on the record, who claim they have actually SEEN baby Suri. US WEEKLY touts the story on this week’s cover with TOM & KATIE: TOP SECRET SURI PHOTOS? No, don’t expect to actually SEE any photos. But if you turn to page 58, you’ll find quotes about Baby Suri from real-live folks who say they’ve actually SEEN the baby: Leah Remini, Jada Pinkett Smith and Penelope Cruz. Rather a strange group, but every single one of them say they actually saw the baby. According to Leah Remini, “She’s a normal, beautiful baby. She’s very loved. I bought her shoes, and an airplane for her dad.”

IN TOUCH announces on their cover TOM & KATIE … THE TRUTH ABOUT THEIR BABY! KATIE LONGS FOR A NORMAL LIFE AS TOM MAKES MORE BIZARRE RULES. NOW, THE NEW FAMILY PHOTOS THAT HE HOPES WILL END THE QUESTIONS ABOUT SURI.

Don’t turn to page 12 in the hopes of seeing any photos – nothing but pics of Tom and Katie and a gallery of Hollywood stars who say they’ve seen Suri – lots of the same names as US WEEKLY but IN TOUCH adds The Beckhams and Will Smith wonder why US WEEKLY only mentioned Will’s wife?)

The ENQUIRER jumps on the Suri parade with headlines announcing TOM’S SHOWDOWN WITH KATIE’S FAMILY … THE SECRET MEETING IN COLORADO.

And then there’s the low – the STAR. The front page story this week announces FIRST PIC OF BABY SURI INSIDE!... WHY TOM WON’T MARRY KATIE! THE WEDDING’S OFF – THE SHOCKING REASON WHY!....

Don’t get your hopes up… you know the rules about too many !!!’s. If you open the magazine and look for the photo, look quick. It’s on the table of contents page and you can miss it if you’re not careful. But maybe it’s better if you don’t look TOO closely.

What we have here is a photo taken a long distance away by a paparazzi from outside Tom and Katie’s house, shooting through a window that reveals a rather shapeless mass lying on the corner of a bed. If you squint your eyes, and turn the page so the light strikes it just right – it still looks like a shapeless mass. But according to the STAR …LOOKS LIKE SURI INSIDE…KATIE HOLMES, LEFT, WAS PHOTOGRAPHED FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH WHAT LOOKS LIKE BABY SURI IN TOM’S BEVERLY HILLS MANSION ON AUG 9. FOR MORE ON KATIE AND TOM’S WEDDING WOES, TURN TO PAGE 36.

Even for the tabs, this is pretty low… the wording they use on the caption is especially revealing… ‘what looks like Baby Suri…’ notice, they never say it’s the baby – but they made sure to tell you that they had the ‘first pic of baby Suri inside’ on the front page. Why? So you’d buy the magazine and look for the photo. If you fell for it, how does it feel to have wasted the price of a gallon of gas? TABLOID TUESDAY feels betrayed and mad enough to demand a refund.

That’s it, no more STAR this week.

Hopefully, that ENDS the mystery of whether Baby Suri even exists. Alas, Tabloid Tuesday knows better – this will be fodder for the tabs forever.

There’s not much else going on in the tabs this week – but next week, brace yourself for more than you even wanted to know about the Jon Benet case and John Mark Karr’s stunning confession – looking forward to what the ENQUIRER is going to do.

Speaking of the ENQUIRER, this week’s issue also features HOLLYWOOD’S SECRET ‘GAY LIST’ … WHO’S ON IT, WHO’S NOT…

Now, think about it for a minute – is there really a secret list that reveals who’s NOT on the ‘secret gay list?’ That’s all too confusing for TABLOID TUESDAY .. if you want to find out about Keanu Reaves, John Travolta, Vin Diesel and others who may or may not be on a secret list, you’ll have to read the story for yourself.

The BIG story on the front page for the ENQUIRER is WORLD EXCLUSIVE NEWS... ANGELINA SPYING ON BRAD … WHAT SHE FOUND … THE OTHER WOMEN … THE DRUGS … THE LIES…

Alright! Sex! Drugs! Spies! TABLOID TUESDAY eagerly turned to page 20 to find out what high-tech methods Angelina used, how she managed her spy cadre, tapping telephones, satellite surveillance … hmmmmm, according to the story, Angelina didn’t use a single listening device or tracking device attached to Brad’s car…. Nope, she spied on him the old fashioned way. According to the story, “…These days, she rarely lets him out of her sight, and when she does, she knows exactly where he is and what he’s doing, an insider told the ENQUIRER.”

Yeah, right.

Tabloid Tuesday gives up. If you want to find out about KATE & OWENS SECRET AFFAIR in US WEEKLY or WHY KATE SPLIT FROM HER HUSBAND in IN TOUCH, you’ll just have to go out and spend your hard-earned money.

THE MEN.COM WORST OF THE WEEK: STAR
Don’t you just hate it when the tabs promise something and then find a way to wiggle out? Telling us they had a photo of Baby Suri and then running a blurry, indecipherable image and having the nerve to tell us that this “looks like Baby Suri” – like taking the ink blot test. What does this look like: ☺ - why, it’s Baby Suri!

THE MEN.COM BEST OF THE WEEK: ENQUIRER
Despite the Angelina spying on Brad story, the ENQUIRER keeps plugging away, and offers a variety of easily digestible stories, including MEL’S NOT IN REHAB .. HE’S AT HOME, referring to Mel Gibson and his drunk driving incident.

BEST QUOTE OF THE WEEK: The folks at US Weekly quote Justin Timberlake about American Idol: “I have a strange relationship with that show. I despise it, and yet I’m completely fascinated. The who won [Taylor Hicks] – people think he looks so normal, and he’s so sweet, and he’s so earnest, but he can’t carry a tune in a bucket.”

Copyright © 2006, Men.Com. All Rights Reserved.

2006-08-06T08:52:00.000-07:00

TABLOID TUESDAY FOR August 6 – 11, 2006

As if the tabloid world wasn’t confusing enough – marriages that don’t take place, superstar Mel Gibson believing his own press releases, Baby Suri still not accounted for – this week STAR magazine seems to go out of its’ way to make us just a big crazier – small thing, but their page numbers are wrong.

Tabloid Tuesday turned to page 52 to read about IS MEL AS CRAZY AS HE SEEMS? But instead of seeing Mel, we found PAM’S WEDDING DRAMAS! - the story of Pamela Anderson’s wedding which was supposed to be on page 48. But page 48 is all about KATIE TRAPPED IN TOM’S PRISON – more about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise and the missing baby Suri.

So if you go buy the STAR, remember: Page 52 is really page 55, page 48 is really page 52, and page 54 is really page 48. Way too confusing for Tabloid Tuesday – you’ll just have to figure it our for yourself.

IN TOUCH promises to show us photos of OUT OF CONTROL … EXCLUSIVE PICS FROM THE NIGHT OF MEL’S ARREST… turned to page 32 and yup, there they are… Mel Gibson posing with a bunch of fans the night of his party at the trendy ‘Moonshadows’ restaurant in Malibu. Also, according to the story, “According to eyewitnesses who spoke exclusive to In Touch, Mel moved on to drinking water while he was at Moonshadows in Malibu.” And in one of the photos, you can see Mel clinching a green bottle of water – along with two happy fans.

The National ENQUIRER tells us MEL: DRUNK FOR MONTHS! THE SECRET REASON HE SNAPPED… Well, Tabloid Tuesday wants to know what drove Mel Gibson over the edge… inside, page 10, headline: MEL GIBSON HAS BEEN DRINKING FOR MONTHS … THE SECRET BOOZE BINGES .. THE REAL REASON HE SNAPPED … EYEWITNESS ACCOUNTS OF THE NIGHT HE WAS BUSTED… But whey did he snap? Reading… reading… here it is.. Mel has been on location in Mexico shooting his new film “Apocalypto.” According to the story…”The bottom line is Mel went crazy in the jungle,” and insider told The ENQUIRER. “The combination of blistering heat, torrential rain and an over-budget and behind-schedule film sent Mel around the bend.”

Hmmmm. What do you think? You’ll have to read the story for yourself because it’s starting to drizzle outside and Tabloid Tuesday doesn’t want to wind up like Mel.

US WEEKLY jumps into the Mel Gibson feeding frenzy with MEL GIBSON … INSIDE THE SCANDAL… Don’t bother, there’s nothing there that’s even close to being an ‘inside the scandal.’ Yawn.

Looking around, there doesn’t seem to be very much in the world of tabloids that we all haven’t read before. US WEEKLY is still pushing the Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo romance… this week it’s SHE’S A PARTY GIRL WITH A SAD PAST. HOW VANESSA MINNILLO MENDED LACHEY’S BROKEN HEART BY BEING ALL JESSICA WASN’T .. WHY NICK CHOSE VANESSA… Now, if you can make sense out of that headline, please let Tabloid Tuesday know what the hell it means.

The ENQUIRER also brings us more about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: WORLD EXCLUSIVE NEWS … ON THE EVE OF WEDDING … KATIE COLLAPSES! … LIFE WITH TOM PUSHES HER OVER THE EDGE … THE BATTLE OF RELIGION … THE IN VITRO LIE…

Hmmmmm, guess that means that the wedding the ENQUIRER touted last week (“TOM & KATIE’S $1M SCIENTOLOGY WEDDING”) has been delayed a bit…

The ENQUIRER also tells us MARIE OSMOND ATTEMPTS SUICIDE! INSIDE HER SHOCKING SUICIDE NOTE…

MEN.COM WORST OF THE WEEK: US WEEKLY

From undecipherable headlines to boring stories, these folks are the hand-downs winners.

MEN.COM BEST OF THE WEEK: IN TOUCH

Surprised the hell out of Tabloid Tuesday when the Mel Gibson and Kevin Federline front-page headlines actually matched the stories inside. A rare occurrence in the world of tabloids.

BEST QUOTE OF THE WEEK: The folks at US WEEKLY, quote Justin Timberlake as saying: “You know when I’m an ass? In Traffic… I get road rage like you wouldn’t believe!” Make a note: when you Justin and Mel on the road, pull over.

August 1 - 4 - Tabloid Tuesday

2006-07-31T06:46:00.000-07:00

Tabloid Tuesday is syndicated every week by Men.Com (www.men.com) and provides a review and analysis of the front page stories from the tabloids.

TABLOID TUESDAY FOR July 30 – August 4, 2006

Once again, the tabs are grasping at straws – trying to find something to put on the cover to entice us to spend our hard-earned $$... and once again, it’s nothing but a big yawn.

You can read about plastic surgery that may or may not have taken place or weddings that were never scheduled being cancelled – and that’s about it. You’ll have to judge for yourself if you want to buy a tabloid that costs more than a gallon of gas.

Both IN TOUCH and STAR want to talk about celebs who may or may not have had plastic surgery – they’re not quite sure if Shannen Doherty and Ashlee Simpson have had make-overs, and neither will you be after you read the stories.

STAR leads off with a ‘then’ and ‘now’ photo of Shannen Doherty and the headline EXTREME MAKEOVER! HAS SHE HAD DRASTIC PLASTIC SURGERY?

Check it out – they’re asking YOU if she had plastic surgery – and you’re paying $3.49. And if you think you’ll find an answer inside… turn to page 32 and what do we see? Two photos… one of Shannen in 1992 and one of Shannen in 2006. Wait a minute! That’s FOURTEEN YEARS – in one photo she’s 21, in the other she’s 35…. But even that doesn’t answer the question. STAR doesn’t know – they’ve asked some experts who didn’t treat Shannen for their opinion, but they don’t know either. So Tabloid Tuesday still doesn’t know – and neither will you.

And if you expected anything more from the folks at IN TOUCH… well, you’re out of luck. Their cover features 2 photos of Ashlee Simpson, a ‘then’ and ‘now’ photo with the headline: FRIENDS WORRY THAT ASHLEE’S OBSESSED WITH SURGERY… SHE’S CHANGED HER LIPS, NOSE, EYEBROWS AND BODY. WHAT’S REAL, WHAT’S FAKE AND WHAT’S NEXT…

Page 14 begins the photo saga starting in 2002 when she was 17 years old – through today. Let’s all repeat: she’s only 21 years old, 21 years old, 21 years old. So if you can get through all that, let’s check out the story and see what’s real and what’s fake and what’s next…. MY GOODNESS! Here’s a surprise … it doesn’t say. There are a few ‘pals’ and a couple of ‘friends’ who speculate, but really nothing official. In fact, the only official comments are from docs who checked out photos of Ashlee – not from anyone who treated her.

So there you go – two of the big 4 tabs are speculating on plastic surgery. It’s your call if it’s worth your money….

The ENQUIRER has gone crazy over things matrimonial – this week’s cover has STAR JONES DIVORCE SHOCKER! … PLUS… TOM & KATIE’S $1M SCIENTOLOGY WEDDING…. and a kind of catch-all for wedding that were never really scheduled: WEDDINGS CALLED OFF!...BRAND SAYS NOW ANGELINA SAYS NEVER… KATIE PULLS PLUG ON SECRET CEREMONY .. JEN CANCELS LAST MINUTE PLAN TO ELOPE.

You sure you want to take a look inside? It’s not pretty… for example KATIE IN TEARS AS SHE REJECTS MARRIAGE PROPOSAL…Can you bear to see Katie Couric in tears? We can’t, so we turned the page. But before we could, we ran smack into TOMKAT WEDDING IS ON! That’s right – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in August at the Scientology Center in Los Angeles – and baby Suri will be there! Mark your calendars!

Quickly turning the page, we get hit with STAR JONES DIVORCE SHOCKER… we started to find out what was so shocking, but couldn’t get past the first paragraph. Here it is: Just weeks after being booted by “The View,” Star Jones is facing another humiliating public drama – a pal of husband Al Reynolds is telling The ENQUIRER that Al wants a divorce!”

A pal? What do Star and Al have to say? Nothing.

Sorry, can’t go on any more – you get the idea. It’s up to you to buy this week’s issue if you want to read any more about celebrities marital woes – real or imaginary.

Finally, there’s US Weekly. The BIG story this week is about the family of the late Aaron Spelling – his wife Candy and daughter Tori: HER MOTHER’S REVENGE … A DEVASTATED TORI SPELLING STRUGGLES TO MAKE ENDS MEET AFTER HER BITTER MOM REFUSES TO SHARE HER LATE FATHER’S $500 MILLION FORTUNE.

Do you even want to know what she’s getting? According to the story in US WEEKLY, Tori is getting less than $1,000,000.00. That’s it. Not exactly chump-change. But you can see why there might be a bit of tension between mom and Tori.

So that’s it for this week. Lots of nice eye candy in all the tabs, and nothing that will make you think …

THE MEN.COM WORST OF THE WEEK: InTouch.

Ashlee Simpson is drop-dead gorgeous – she’s also 21 years old and has made the metamorphous from cute teen-ager to beautiful woman. You know – it’s called growing up.

THE MEN.COM BEST OF THE WEEK: US Weekly. The Tori Spelling is good old-fashioned Hollywood trashy gossip – at last!

BEST QUOTE OF THE WEEK: According to the staff at In Touch, Paris Hilton is trying to keep her mind off men. Says the queen of non-celebrity celebrity A-List: “I always put my energy into some guy, and I’m bored with it. I’m tired of thinking about men.”

Tabloid Tuesday Rates The BEST and WORST Celebrity Tabloids of the Week – National ENQUIRER, STAR MAGAZINE, IN TOUCH, US WEEKLY.

2006-07-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

BEST AND WORST OF THE WEEK FOR JULY 23 - 28

THE MEN.COM WORST OF THE WEEK: IN TOUCH

The old, tired, re-hashed, absolutely nothing new, tiresome saga of Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnilo is their main feature: NICK & VANESSA …. HOW THEY FELL IN LOVE… THEY CAN’T STAND TO BE APART, NOW NICK’S TALKING MARRIAGE AND KIDS! PLUS… JESSICA’S IN TEARS AFTER SHE SEES NICK AND VANESS KISSING. Whew! If only the story was as good as the headline is long – but it’s not. And neither are the rest of the cover story offerings. But one that is particularly irritating is WEDDING JOY .. THE DETAILS OF KATIE’S DRESS..

Now, we’re talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes getting married – which no one knows if they are, but IN TOUCH decides to devote pages to speculation about her wedding dress IF they actually get married. The inside headline really sums up the story: KATIE’S WEDDING DRESS DILEMMA… notice if you will, it’s not about the DETAILS of her wedding dress, it’s about the DILEMMA of picking out a wedding dress for a wedding that may or may not take place – so there can’t be any details, can there? Torturous at best…

THE MEN.COM BEST OF THE WEEK: STAR

Nope, not for the cover stories or what they laughingly refer to as news. The photos inside – of Britney Spears naked for the Vanity Fair photo shoot, the Italian World Cup Champions nearly naked and tons of photos of celebs doing everything from posing to using an ATM machine. Lots of appetizing eye-candy.

BEST QUOTE OF THE WEEK: From our friends at IN TOUCH… the lovely Elizabeth Hurley talking about certain part of her anatomy: “What was once firm and perky may have altered somewhat by now.”

For the full story, visit www.men.com

Hollywood Gossip, Celebrities, Tabloids And All That Trash - Tabloid Tuesday

2006-07-16T11:15:00.000-07:00

TABLOID TUESDAY FOR July 16 – July 21

Bodies seem to be the topic of the week – who has one, who doesn’t, who wants one and more diets than we care to know about. In other words, none of the tabs have any NEWS for us this week. Except for the ENQUIRER.

Well, maybe not news but it sure as hell is better than the body bits you’ll hear about later.

The ENQUIRER blasts TOM & KATIE SPLIT OVER LIES ABOUT BABY … THE TRUTH ABOUT THEIR LIFE INSIDE TOM’S MANSION. Obviously, the story is about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and the tabloid-fueled rumors about ‘what ever happened to baby Suri?

In case you’ve been living atop a mountain in Tibet, the tabloid world has gone agog because Tom hasn’t shown them baby Suri. That’s right, no photos, no holding the kid up in the air for everyone to see – nothing. The tabs are all lathered up because they think they – and you – have a right to see the baby. Well, here’s a news flash straight from Tabloid Tuesday World Headquarters – they don’t and neither do you. The screams of ‘prove to us there really is a baby’ are resonating on deaf ears. Tom and Katie are not under any obligation to show the baby to any of the tabs, news organizations, private detectives or even people like you who are curious what the baby looks like. Is it a bit strange? By Hollywood and Tom Cruise standards, not even close. Sure, most normal folks would take pride in showing off their new bundle of joy, but remember who we’re talking about here…. So all the tabs are in a feeding frenzy, raising ridiculous questions and making incredible demands for Tom and Katie to prove to them the baby exists. Get a life!

Anyway, the ENQUIRER reports that “Secrecy surrounding invisible infant puts strain on marriage.” Quite catchy, but doesn’t mean a thing. They’re together, she hasn’t left, he hasn’t turned her into a Scientologist. Big yawn.

What else does the ENQUIRER bring us this week? Well, how about the story of how COCAINE BROKE UP HILARY SWANK’S MARRIAGE … THE REAL STORY. Sound familiar? It should – it’s been all over the place for the last month, ESPECIALLY after Hilary Swank told the world about it in a Vanity Fair article. Whoops! Looks like the old ENQUIRER is a day late and a dollar short – again.

Let’s move on to the bodies. Listen, if you enjoy looking at photos of young Hollywood stars and starlets in bikinis, short dresses, tight fitting clothes, lots of skin and hair – then you’re going to LOVE this week’s issue of STAR, US WEEKLY and IN TOUCH because that’s all there is. No news, no really juicy gossip, just a lot of photos of the same men and women we’ve all seen countless times.

IN TOUCH tries a new pitch with BODY CONFESSIONS … LINDSAY, BOOB JOB CONTROVERSY …. KEIRA, ANOREXIA RUNS IN HER FAMILY … ASHLEE, RESPONS TO SURGERY RUMORS… KATE, TALKS ABOUT HER WEIGHT STRUGGLE.

Now make sure you know who these tragic, suffering, deformed women are – Lindsay Lohan, Keira Knightley, Ashlee Simpson, Kate Hudson. Is there any ONE of them that you think has a body to be ashamed of? Didn’t think so.

Ashlee Simpson – who’s 21 (wonder what they’ll say when she’s 30?) – according to IN TOUCH owes her new look to cosmetic surgery! Want to know what part turned her into a ‘blond bombshell’ according to the tab? She had a nose job! Yup, that’s all it took – from cute as a button to a hot tamale because, according to the story, she had a ‘nose reshaping surgery.’ Never mind the fact that she’s 21, works out, is 21, watches what she eats, is 21, takes care of herself and, did we mention, she’s 21!

IN TOUCH next turns to Keira Knightley. In the story, Keira is quoted as saying her grandmother and great-grandmother battled anorexia, but in the next sentence she lets the world know that she’s not anorexic. Even an expert quoted in the story says that someone can be as naturally thin as Kiera and not be anorexic. But that doesn’t stop the weight-watchers at IN TOUCH. Nope. Here’s how they handle the denial: “But Keira’s certainly looking slimmer than she was in 2003’s Love Actually, and it could be because she’s simply not taking care of herself.’

Get the point of how it’s going with INTOUCH? Kate Hudson put on some weight when she was pregnant and lost it in about three months, but that wasn’t fast enough for FAT POLICE at INTOUCH. Nope. According to the article “The star opens up about her battle to lose post-baby weight.”

We’re done with INTOUCH. Lost interest – and a few pounds.

US WEEKLY focuses on diets with EXTREME DIETS … INSIDE HOLLYWOOD’S DANGEROUS OBSESSION WITH BEING THIN… and of course the poster girls are Kiera Knightley and Kate Bosworth. Same photos we’ve seen before, same words, same conjectures about ‘have they gone too far.’ Nothing new here. But wait a minute – what about the EXTREME DIETS? Let’s check again…. Nope, nothing about that. As usual.

And then there’s the Star… hot pink and all. By the way, the photo on the cover of Carmen Electra beats any photos that IN TOUCH or US WEEKLY has on theirs this week. But as they taught Tabloid Tuesday in Journalism story – the story is the thing.

Star’s headlines announce THE NEW LIPO … NEW PROCEDURE MELTS FAT & TIGHTENS SKIN IN MINUTES! - & IT’S AFFORDABLE!... +12 SEXY CELEB DIETS THAT WORK!

Here we go, page 56 – THE NEW LIPO: MIRACLE FAT ZAPPER… hmm, only $3,000 - $4,000 per area (that’s “affordable”?) Before and after photos of The Rock, Howard Stern, Kathy Griffin… but where’s Carmen Electra? Nowhere in the story, that’s where… she’s on the cover, part of the “New Lipo” pitch – but as usual, what you see isn’t what you get. You gotta admit – when you’re expecting Carmen Electra and Kathy Griffin shows up, it’s a real let-down. But what else is new. And don’t even ask about the diets.

THE MEN.COM WORST OF THE WEEK: THERE’S A 3 WAY TIE – US WEEKLY, IN TOUCH and STAR. Nothing of substance, nothing of interest, not even close to reality. And after reading them, you still don’t know any more than you did just a few minutes ago.

THE MEN.COM BESTOF THE WEEK: NONE

Save your money. Go buy yourself an ice cream – you don’t want to wind up looking like Carmen Electra, do you?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: According to the folks at IN TOUCH, Cameron Diaz said: “I need to have a cheeseburger now and again!” No wonder she didn’t make it on the cover of the tabs this week. Keep up the good work!

www.men.com

Vote For "Miss Hottest South Beach Body!"

2006-06-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

This is Sara from Texas!

We're having a very hard time choosing the 100 HOTTEST SOUTH BEACH BODIES - and we need YOUR help. Every week, new contestants are added to the competition. Your vote will decide which of these beautiful women will be crowned MISS HOTTEST SOUTH BEACH BODY.

Won't you please come - and vote? It's absolutely free!

Just visit http://www.men.com/women/100hottest/ and vote for your favorite.
Check back every week and vote for YOUR favorite - I know she'll appreciate it.